Going At It Alone
by sketchnurse
Summary: She had thought that she could live without him, but some part of her mind knew that she couldn't. So she didn't. But now, when reality has caught up to her, she had to face him and her own self, in the place that she knows she sent him to. UNFINISHED.
1. Chapter 1

It hadn't been more than an hour before he came back to her. She was still on the couch, holding her legs to her chest, her face still sticky with the tears he had caused her to cry. It wasn't her fault; she reasoned with herself for the thousandth time, he had over reacted.

But who couldn't over react when finding out that your girlfriend of two months was pregnant? Pregnant. She still savoured being able to say the words in her mind with some truth, even though the circumstances weren't the best. When she had imagined having a child, it would have been with him… but no, she couldn't think about him right now, not when she could hear her real boyfriend's car pulling up her long gravel driveway. She knew he would come back, but that didn't make her feel any better about him. She was still frightened, still startled at the way he yelled at her for the thing that was growing inside her. After all, of course it was her fault that he hadn't used any protection. _Protection is a woman's business_, he had shouted at her, _you told me you were on the pill! _And she had been, months before she had met him, months before she had given up on taking the stupid thing at the same time everyday, waiting for the man that would be the reason she needed it. And then he had come along, a perfect, boring gentleman, and he had given her what she had needed, a sense of purpose, and she went out with him, dressed up for him, kissed and fondled him, and she had felt better than before, and worse at the same time.

In the back of her mind, she knew what she really wanted, but he was off limits. Third time wasn't going to be the charm in this case, she had told herself countless times. _But would he have run out, if it had been his kid? _She didn't know. The other man that haunted her thoughts, he was impossible to figure out, his thoughts so tangled and senseless that a normal person would go mad trying to figure out just why he was the type of person he was. But she had tried to get close to him, countless times, and had been pushed away every time she went closer than he was comfortable. And now, she had a boyfriend, and he was caring, and he took care of her, in many more ways than one. At least, he had until she told him about his child. Now that she thought about it, he wasn't the sort of man that would want to take care of a child. Otherwise, he would have found some senseless blond to have a family with. But he was back now. She picked her head up and tried to take a few deep breathes, to no avail. If he came back into the room, she would start crying again, and he would leave, and she would feel stupid all over again.

"Todd?" she finally said into the house. She really, really hoped that she had imagined that crunch of his tires on the gravel in her driveway, but she knew she wasn't that tired.

He stepped into the room, his face a marble mask of emotionlessness. He stepped toward her, and inwardly she cringed, a small part of her mind convinced that he was going to hit her. But he didn't lay a hand on her, instead choosing to sit beside her and put a cold and leather clad arm around her silently shaking shoulders.

"Shhhhh…" he whispered, "It's okay, I'm okay, we're okay."

She dared to look up at him, and saw bloodshot eyes and greasy brown hair plastered to his face. Gone was the man who had taken her to fundraisers, and ordered food at French restaurants for her. Here was the man that had endured the shock of his life. God, what an empty life he must have had if this was the biggest shock in it.

"I'm keeping the baby." She said softly, looking down again.

He stayed silent, holding her, rubbing her shoulder lightly with his hand. He stunk of liquor and cigarettes, two qualities that she had only seem come out in him a few times before. Was this really the father of her unborn child? What had she been thinking, having a relationship with a man who had nothing in his life but a job at a local law firm and a member's card at the local strip club? Sure, he was pleasant on the outside, but tonight she had seen what he became when he lost control. She shuddered at the memory, and he gripped her more tightly.

"_Lisa?" he had called into the house, after finding the door unlocked. She had called him over, saying that she had something she needed to talk to him about. Secretly, he had been scared. He had never liked talking to women, he preferred to wine and dine them, then take them home for the night. This relationship with Lisa, it was something new to him, and he still wasn't sure about it. _

"_I'm in here, Todd." Her voice came floating out from the living room. He entered, and saw her sitting on the couch, dressed in a pale blue silk robe. _

"_What is it?" he had spotted a look of fear on her face, and sadness. _

"_I'm-"she started to say, but choked on her words. What was it that was so hard for her to say? Unless, but that was impossible...she was in her forties, for god's sake..._

"_I'm pregnant." There. She had said it. Thrown the cards on the table, spilled the beans, opened a can of worms. He was speechless, completely speechless. His girlfriend was going to have his child. A child was something that he was not prepared to deal with. _

"_God." He finally muttered. _

"_God?" she asked angrily, "God, that's all you can say when I tell you I'm going to have your child? How about 'congratulations', or 'I'm sorry', or something that will make me fell a little better than 'god'?" she was hysterical by now, she had obviously been holding herself in since she had found out. _

"_Lisa. How the hell did you expect me to react? I mean, where the hell did this come from? I thought you were on the pill! I haven't exactly expressed enthusiasm at having a kid before, have I?"_

"_No," she said, her voice barely containing the spite coursing through her mind. "I think we've been a bit too busy screwing each other to discuss family plans."_

"_Well, looks like I'm going to have something a bit bigger to worry about than getting in your pants! A god damn kid! How the hell am I supposed to deal with this?"_

"_You can start with giving a shit about the woman you impregnated." she said, her voice shaking with anger. "You were a baby once, your parents had to take care of you, it wasn't that hard. Grow a set of balls, it's just a baby."_

"_I already have a set of balls, as you well know, having to have come in contact with them in order to have ended up pregnant with my kid. It is my kid right, not some sleazy man you slept with one night when I wasn't there?"_

"_I haven't slept with anyone else. Can you at least show some sympathy for me? It's not like I just decided to get pregnant with your kid to piss you off!"_

"_You should have been on the pill. You told me you were on the pill."_

"_And you used condoms when we first started sleeping with each other. If you were so damn concerned about the possibility of a kid, you should have kept using them!"_

"_You know what? I'm getting out of here. You can go cry yourself to sleep, I don't care. Just don't call me anymore. I don't think we should see each other now. You can go have the kid without me. I would be useless as a father anyway." And with that, he had stormed out the door, and she started to sob harder, realizing that everything she didn't want to happen was happening. _

"Why are you back?" she asked him, still dreading the answer, but knowing the question would have to be asked sooner or later.

"I came back because I overreacted." His answer wasn't an answer; it didn't resolve any of the questions that were still burning in her mind.

"You don't want the baby." she said, he voice heavy and emotionless. He paused before answering.

"No." And that simple word was enough to push her over the edge again, new tears spilling out of her eyes and onto the floor. Something inside her mind broke, and she lost control again. She got up out of his arms, and stood in front of him.

"Why are you here?" she asked again, "Is it because you still want to get in my pants one last time, before you leave my life forever, and leave me with our child?"

"No! I wanted to comfort you, make you realize that I care."

"And yet, you don't want the child."

"No." he said again, his eyes cast down on the floor.

"Get out." She said, her voice heavy with anger and hurt. He didn't move.

"I said get out!" she screamed at him, her voice finally raised, letting out all the anger she had been bottling up. He got up, and made his way over to the door, but not before grabbing her hands.

"Lisa, you don't need to do this. We can still-"

"Still do what?" she asked him, her voice now pure venom. "Still screw each other until I start showing? You think it would be better to run out on me in a few months rather than now? Get out. Don't call me, don't send me any flowers, don't do anything. Get out."

And with that he was gone, and though she would rather not admit it, she felt an overwhelming sense of relief that he was out of her life, out of the life of her unborn child. She could do it; she could raise the child alongside Rachael. And suddenly she slumped on the floor, realizing fully for the first time how much her life would change. _I need a husband, a real one, _she thought. But where the hell would she get one of those? Maybe she could convince Wilson that she was in love with him, and they could get married. Ridiculous. Even at a time like this, she found her thoughts drifting back to a certain doctor with an unshaven face, impossibly good looks, and blue eyes that nearly made her faint when she looked into them.


	2. Chapter 2

She arrived at the hospital on time, as usual, and prepared herself for the day she knew was approaching her. She had planned on getting some work done the night before, but she had also planned on Todd being more understanding. Well, what did she expect? She wouldn't have wanted that sleaze ball in her child's life anyway. Her child. She was going to be a mother, a real one. How could she have actually had a relationship with someone like that? After months of caring for Rachael, she supposed that she had just wanted someone to care about her, a relationship with no questions about who likes who. But now, with Todd gone… No, she couldn't try to pursue him again. Every time she thought he was making an effort to be nice to her, he screwed up. He pushed her away. Well, maybe she was tired of being pushed away. In the two months that she had been dating Todd, he had barely spoken to her, just asked for permission to do risky tests. An all-time low of comments on her ass had led her to believe he had simply given up and moved onto an easier target.

She sat down at her desk, and turned on her computer. God knows how many emails she had received since yesterday. Oh yeah, and she was pregnant. She momentarily forgot about the things she needed to do, and started to dwell on the baby that was growing inside of her. It was only a few weeks along, but she already felt an attachment to it. She wondered what she would name it, what its life would turn out to be, what people it would grow up around. She was going to have a baby. She hadn't noticed that she had been staring into space for ten minutes, but she did notice that a man with a cane was standing outside her door.

"Come in House." she said to him, waiting for the inevitable absurd request to come from his mouth. God, the things she imagined with that mouth. Now wasn't the time though. Right now he was going to walk into her office, request some stupid test to be done on his patient of the week, make a crude comment about her body, she would reply, they would banter, and he would leave, and she would get back to work, feeling drained and euphoric at the same time.

He limped in, carrying a file with him.

"I need to do a-"

"Yes, fine, do whatever ridiculous test you think you need to do. Just get out of my office." That was strange. She hadn't even found out what he wanted to do. He could be requesting to splice the patients genes with a rabbit's for all she knew.

"Excuse me? Did you just tell me that I can do what I want for once in my life?"

"Yes. Get out" She had no idea why she was being so flippant with him, but she suddenly couldn't have him in the same room as her. She told herself that it was because she was in an irritable mood and didn't have the patience to deal with him. But another part of her mind knew it was because she wanted him, more than she had ever wanted him in her life, and it was taking all of her self control not to fling her arms around his neck and kiss him passionately.

"Did you not hear me? Get out" He was still standing in front of her desks, staring at… Her breasts. She should have known.

"Can you stop checking out my chest for a couple minutes and get out of my office?"

He looked up at her, a strange look on his face. Not just a strange look, but a strange look for him.

"Fine. But it will be your fault when the patient wakes up with half of his brain mashed up and poured back into his skull." And with that worrying remark, he left.

She was sitting at her desk, a few weeks later, looking through her emails, when she heard a familiar knock at her door. _Damn, not him again. _Just when she had pushed him to the back of her mind, he had come back to her. He didn't bother for a reply, but proceeded to stride into her office, a look of triumph on his face.

"You're pregnant." Cuddy didn't have time to hide the look of shock on her face. She sat at her desk, staring at him, her mouth open in surprise.

"How did you-"

"Your breasts are more tender, you've been acting strangely, you've been craving chocolate, and you are avoiding me more than ever."

"How does avoiding you mean that I'm pregnant?"

"You're avoiding me because you're hormonal, which means you're horny, which means you want me, which means you're trying to resist jumping me when ever we're in the same room." he answered unflinchingly. "Although, I would not object to the jumping me part." She was silent. How did he notice all these things when she hadn't even noticed?

"You're not going to tell me that I'm wrong? So, who's the lucky man? The cashier at the Walmart?" he queried casually, examining his own hands.

"That's none of your business." she snapped.

"So, you don't even know who the father is? What did I tell you about one night stands, Cuddles?"

"His name is Todd. And no, he doesn't work at the Walmart."

"Do I get to meet Terry?" He looked down at her, and was surprised to see a look of sadness on her face.

"Todd left me." She said, trying to keep her voice even. Even after these weeks, she still felt stupid about the whole situation.

"Let me guess, after he heard the great news? Damn, Cuddy, you sure know how to pick them."

"Get out. If you came her only to gloat, you can leave now. I get it. I'm pregnant, the father disappeared, and I have a long nine months ahead of me. Can you please leave?"

"Fine. But if you need to talk, or have sex, or buy a condo together, I'm here." And he was gone again, leaving Cuddy to once again try to decipher his remarks.


	3. Chapter 3

She was sitting on her couch, as usual, watching the TV, when she heard him knocking at her door. Only he would be bothering her at this time of night. She got up and walked to the door, muttering insults under her breath. Tonight, of all nights, he had to come and bother her at her own home. She hadn't had a particularly good day, and she was not ready to deal with him.

"What do you want, House?" she asked ask she opened the door. A pocket of cold air flooded into her house. She looked down at his hands. He was carrying a grocery bag.

"Just thought you'd like to eat ice cream and watch a movie with me." he said, staring up at the sky. What the hell was he trying to do? She already felt her face getting hot, and it had nothing to do with the temperature. She took a few deep breathes before replying.

"House, it's late, we both have work tomorrow, can you please just leave?" Surprisingly he grinned at her. A sight that made butterflies flutter around her stomach.

"Aww, come on Cuddy, it's just a movie and ice cream." He flashed another irresistible smile, one that she tried very hard to resist. She resorted to sarcasm, hoping that they would get into another argument and he would just leave.

"Maybe that's just what you want me to think. For all I know, you could slip me some drugs and drive me to Texas with you."

"Now why would I want to bring you to Texas with me? Look, Cuddy," he said, lowering his voice and looking into her eyes, "You've been stressed lately, with the baby and the other baby, you need to relax for a couple hours."

"Relax? With you? I don't think so. Now do me a favour and just leave before I do something stupid."

"Stupid? Like what? Like acting on your desires and making love to me on your front step?" Oh, god, would that ever be nice. She realized that he was the only thing that she wanted, and he was right here, at her doorstep, with a carton of ice cream and a movie. She could spare a couple of hours with him. She could control herself while he not so subtly snaked his arm around her waist while they were sitting on the couch, licking ice cream off each others spoons.

"Fine." She said, looking determinedly at her bare feet.

"Did you agree because of the love making comment? Because I really would rather have sex in your bed. It's kinda cold out here."

"Just come in." she replied, motioning him into her home. It was slightly messy, but he didn't notice, his apartment being rather more cluttered than her front entrance. They walked into the living room, and he sat down right in the middle of the couch.

"Come sit down, Cuddy, I'm not going to hurt you." He said, after noticing that she was still standing, staring at the bag he was holding.

"I need to get spoons." she said

"Ahh, right. I forgot that your house came with the stand awkwardly in front of the couch automatic spoon feature."

"I'll be right back.' she told him, a little more than annoyed. He acted like he thought she wanted him to ride up to her house and stay with her for a while. Which, she couldn't entirely deny, she secretly had been wishing for a while. But he wouldn't have known that. House may have many special talents, but mind reading wasn't one of them. Specials talents. Her mind drifted back into fantasy land, and she imagined sitting down on the couch with him, their bodies wrapped around each other, him playing with her hair while she stroked his… Spoons. She had come here to get spoons. She selected a couple out of her cutlery drawer and headed back to her living room. He had already set up the movie, and was waiting for her with a mock bored look on his face.  
"Monsters vs. Aliens?"" she asked, "I thought it was still in theatres."

"Well, I may or may not have illegally obtained it through a website Wilson showed me. Ice cream?" She had forgotten bowls. She cursed herself for being so stupid, because a minute not looking at him right now was pure agony.

"I'll just get some bowls, I'll-"

"We don't need bowls, two spoons is enough. Although," he added with a wink, "I would rather we just shared one." Oh god, so would she. But she knew he wasn't being entirely serious, it was stupid and reckless to take anything he said seriously. She sat down, a good two feet away from him, which was difficult considering that he had made his body take up as much of the couch as possible. Could he be more of an insufferable ass? He started the movie, and she was beginning to get uncomfortable, squishing herself against the end of the couch clearly wasn't going to be an option for the remainder of the movie. She reached over with her spoon and scooped some ice cream out of the container sitting between them. Mmm, chocolate. How did he know that it was her favourite?

"You know, you can sit a little bit closer to me." House told her, breaking the seven minute silence. She had been counting, using the time on the DVD player. She happily obliged, now there was the distance of the ice cream container between them. He picked it up and scraped the walls of the carton, filling his spoon up about halfway before putting it down on his other side. He then licked the ice cream off the spoon very slowly, keeping his eyes on Cuddy, as she tried not to look at him. But cockroaches, giant women, and insect monsters were only so interesting. Not nearly as interesting as his tongue caressing the spoon, picking up the smallest amount of chocolate ice cream before returning to his mouth. She finally turned towards him, and he licked his lips, never taking his eyes off hers.

"Are you trying to seduce me?"

"I don't know. Is it working?" he challenged, a daring look in his eyes.

"No. Like I would ever get seduced by you."

"Well, we are sitting pretty close. But not close enough." And he did what she had been waiting for him to do since the movie started, and put his arm around her waist and pulled her close to him, and she was embarrassed to notice that she let out a not so silent sigh of contentment.

"You like that, don't you?" he asked, smiling at her even more widely, as she rested her head on his chest.

"Mmm." She replied, and put her attention back on the screen. But her mind raced with ideas not connected in anyway with the action on the screen. Her entire body was buzzing with pleasure; the parts of her that were touching him seemed to be on fire. He looked at the television, but one glance into his eyes told her that he was also not concerned with the upcoming war against the aliens. She shifted a little bit, and he held onto her tighter, and finally all of her self control broke loose.


	4. Chapter 4

**I was going to end this differently, but… after the finale…**

She shifted so that her face was level with his. One look into his eyes told her that he had been waiting for her to do this. She pressed her lips against his, and kissed him softly at first, their mouths barely grazing each other, but he grabbed the back of her head and pulled her in closer, kissing her hard and long. His tongue dove into her mouth, and she answered it with her own, their mouths engaged in a passionate dance. She put her hands around his waist and he swung her around, pinning her to the couch as his covered her face and neck with wet kissed. She moaned, and he looked up at her, smiling, before going back to suck lightly on her neck. It was all finally happening, weeks of trying to control herself were being thrown away, her desire finally being acted upon. She brought his lips back up hers and she kissed him more passionately than she had kissed anyone. She was in complete bliss, all her cares had disappeared, House had brought pleasure back into her life that had been devoid of it for weeks. He moved his body in closer to hers, and she could feel the bulge in his pants, and she dug his fingernails into his back as he kissed her harder still. He leaned back to take off his shirt, and at that moment, she didn't care if they never made it to the bedroom; all that mattered was that they would be making love soon. His shirt came off, and he smiled at her again. Her heart melted, she felt his hands reach up her shirt and she sighed, everything she had secretly been denying to herself that she wanted was happening.

And then, just as quickly as he had arrived, he was gone. She looked up into empty space where his head had been just moments before, and registered just how cold the room had gotten. Her breath was heavy, but her face was not moist, not covered in his kisses. She picked herself up off the couch, and saw that there was no carton of ice cream on the couch, there was no movie playing on the television, it was black and motionless. Just like the rest of the room.

"Oh god…" He had never been there.

"He hasn't been here for months." She froze, though her body was still shaking.

"Kutner?" His voice was calm, completely opposite to what she was feeling. Her mind was reeling. Kutner was dead, the only way she could have heard his voice was if she was…

"Hallucinating? I think you're a bit beyond that, looks like you're delusional too. He's still in Mayfield, and judging by what just happened, you should be too."

"But… I've talked to him… at the hospital…"

"No, you haven't. He hasn't been working there for two months. But I thought what with all the stress you've been through, you might have enjoyed some company. God knows you know how to pick the best company."

"So, all the times he's walked into my office, I've been hallucinating?"

"Yeah. But that's not the only thing that you've been imagining. I think there are a whole lot of things wrong with you right now, Cuddy."

"I'm pregnant, it's normal to have some sort of mental issue, with all the hormones and-"

"You're not pregnant. Your body tricked itself into thinking it was. You only think that you're hormonal, all these things you've been feeling, they've all been in your head."

She looked down at her stomach, it was completely flat.

"I'm not pregnant. Why would I trick myself into believing I was? To push Todd away? Did I know the relationship was going nowhere?"

"What makes you think that Todd was real?" This was too much. She could accept that she was imagining House was still around, to help her cope with his departure, but inventing a whole part of her life?

"No one else has ever met Todd. You met him at the bar, when no one else was there. Maybe you weren't even there. Maybe you aren't even here."

"So, I've been hallucinating for two months? I'm just figuring it out now?"

"Hey, House had been hallucinating for longer than he thinks."

"How do you know?"

"I'm your subconscious, I pick up on things that you don't pay attention to. Like the fact that he was deadly serious when he asked you if you wanted to move in together." It was all coming back to her, the arguments, him screwing with her needlessly, or seemingly needlessly, her pushing him away, him finally breaking down in her office. He wasn't okay. She had brought him to Wilson, and Wilson had found him a place at the Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital.

"So, I couldn't deal with him being sent off, so I made up an entire new life to cover it up?"

"He hasn't been around as usual. You never saw him talking to anyone else. You're the only one that's been having any interaction with him. But he was never really there. He's still at the hospital, while the shrinks try to figure out what's wrong with him."

"How do you know all this?"

"I've actually been listening to Wilson, and he thinks we know everything. There's been buckets off stuff you've done that you've replaced with something else."

"Have I visited him there?"

"No, the real Cuddy couldn't deal with him, she couldn't deal with the look he would have in his eyes as she looked at him with pity. The real Cuddy wouldn't want to degrade him any further. She would want to deal by throwing herself into her work. Which she has. But the fake Cuddy, the one you've been for the past two months, she's in love with him, she's been bantering with him as usual, and tonight, she finally gave in to her desires. This is life as it would have been if he hadn't left."

"So I'm crazy?"

"Just like him. Maybe they can find you a room next to his, and you can live in your own little universes together. Did you know that he thought he had detoxed the night before you fired him? He thought that you had slept together. How depressing, you've both been deluding fantasies about each other. But now that you know that he's gone…"

"I can collapse on the floor? Cry until I can't cry anymore? You really think I'm not going to try to get through this?"

"Well, you can try, but you won't. Maybe I'll let you live in real life now, maybe you can go talk to Wilson about the scary things you've been seeing. But I bet you don't want to. You probably think that if you ignore me enough, I'll go away. I'm not really planning on it."

"Why are you here?"

"Because you're very, very messed up. And you need some help. I'm just trying to convince you that you need to get some. Wilson hasn't had any encounters with fake Cuddy, but now she and real Cuddy are one and the same. I'll try not to mess with your head too much more now. I'll just follow you around, like Amber followed House."

Cuddy slumped down on the couch. Her world was crashing down on her, and she knew that she would be too stubborn to do what she knew was right and get help.

"You really think that you can fix your own problems, just because you're Dean of Medicine? House tried that, and look at where he ended up. He broke down right in front of you. Didn't you notice the look on his face when you told him you could never have a personal relationship? That was the real Cuddy, the woman who screamed at him for telling everyone he had slept with you. You remember being angry that day, don't you? Pretty different than the waves of passion fake Cuddy has been experiencing. He's in love with you, you didn't notice, and you covered up your shock and guilt with a life that didn't involve him going crazy, just a life that involved someone else and your secret desire for him. You need help. And if you don't get it, I'll make sure that you give people a reason for you to."


	5. Chapter 5

_She remembered being in a car, and travelling, down a road, and another road, and still more turns, until the roads all turned into one straight piece of pavement, with nothing on either side. The road led to a large building, a building that the functional part of her brain knew was where he was. She remembered the man beside her looking into her eyes, which, somehow, had filled with tears, and looking away, to the endless fields outside the window. She remembered refusing to allow her companion to carry her luggage, instead hauling it up the short set of stairs herself. She remembered the three people in lab coats, waiting for her, watching her every move, she remembered the introductions, the pleasantries, the careful dialogue that was meant to placate her, to ease her mind that was surely spinning at the sight of people in various states of mental decay being wheeled around to rooms of unknown purpose. She remembered kind words being murmured in her ear by a man that she would have to contact with, until she was ready to see him again. But the other man, he was the one on her mind, she had remembered something that had happened that wasn't real, and her smile had softened. But she did not remember fainting, and the nurses she had just been introduced to carrying her up to the room that would be her home until her mind relearned how to perceive reality. _

Lisa Cuddy woke up with a start, her heart racing as she remembered the events of a week ago, how everything had happened in such a whirlwind, how she had been caught up in the winds without having a say in what direction they would take her. She knew why she was here; the mint green walls had something leaning on them that wasn't there. The man who had been called Lawrence Kutner was staring at her, but she knew he wasn't real, unlike another doctor who had plagued her thoughts for months.

He's here, somewhere, she thought, probably plotting his escape or avoiding questions. A small part of her wanted to be back in her delusions, because she had been happy there, if even for a moment. She tried not to think about the part of her life that her mind had completely made up, because that would cause her to break down again, and she had to appear strong, for the white haired man in the lab coat who would be asking her questions in a few hours. No, it wouldn't do to lose control, although she had already lost it, because that would mean that she was even more far gone.

"You know, repressing all these emotions probably isn't good for you."

"The hallucination speaks." Cuddy said, trying to act like herself.

"You don't need to be sarcastic with your own head, I'm not House." She felt a pang in her heart, he was the reason she was here, he had to have gone crazy, he had to have ruined her life too.

"And why did he go crazy?" Kutner asked her.

"Why are you here?"

"Same reason I was with him, too. You needed a messenger."

"From my own mind?"

"Well, you seem to have a communication problem. You won't even admit to yourself that you love him."

"Why would I love him? He's an ass." It was a lie, she knew she loved him, but she always denied it to herself, the part of her brain that controlled the hospital told her that it wasn't worth it, to love.

"How do you know I'm talking about House? I could be talking about Wilson. Maybe you love him to."

"Love, as in caring?" She loved Wilson in that way, she loved many people in that way, but it wasn't romance, that was what Kutner was implying.

"You care about Wilson, you want House."

"That's ridiculous." It was ridiculous for someone like her, someone who wanted stability, to fall for him, but it was what had happened.

"You're feeling guilty about him being here too." Guilt, was that what had forced her to make up an alternate ending to their story?

"I am not. He's the one who sent me here." House had lost his sense of reality, maybe the knowledge that someone she had thought was always going to have the right answer, had caused her to lose her own sight.

"So, you've reacted to him being gone? That sounds like guilt." Guilt, guilt over what? Guilt that she hadn't spotted his detachment sooner, that she hadn't watched him more carefully? Or maybe it was the old guilt, that she had removed part of his leg and part of his life, in many more ways than one.

"How could it have been my fault that he finally snapped?"

"It's not. But you think you could have stopped it." She did, she remembered now nights of guilt, of thoughts of how it could have all turned out differently.

"He didn't tell me anything, he didn't tell anyone except for Wilson. Why couldn't Wilson have come and told me?" Wilson, didn't it all come down to him? He was the peaceful mediator between the two, he was always there, watching them, seeing them interact, he knew what they both wanted, or at least he had conclusions drawn from their actions and words.

"So now it's Wilson's fault that you're both in here, that he wasn't a good enough friend? That's a lie, and you know it." How could she even know what a lie was anymore; Kutner was a lie, everything she had been through since he had been admitted was a lie.

"So I'm lying to my own mind?" Not just the lies she had told herself about reality, but her feelings, she knew she repressed them, there was no time to think about her asshole employee when there was work to be done, there was always work to be done, she ran a hospital for god's sake, how could she be here?

"You lie to yourself all the time. You pretend to care when you don't, and you pretend not to care when you do. It's classic, you're a cliché, some bruised ex-lover of a man who cannot feel any sympathy for anyone. Are you sure it's not your lifestyle that did you in?" She refused to be a cliché, she didn't want to be one more woman falling for the wrong kind of man. Her lifestyle, it was hectic, she admitted, but her job, she could handle, Rachael, her angel, the gift that she had received when another person's life had ended, she was stressful, but nothing that the rewards of motherhood couldn't fix. Her heart ached for the girl, what had she been forced to leave behind?

"What's going to happen to Rachael?" she whispered.

"Rachael's going to be fine; you would know that if you had been paying attention when Wilson had told you about the arrangements." No, she had not been paying attention, there were other things her mind had been focused on, the puppet Cuddy had just nodded her head and walked into the car with Wilson, knowing that he had made the journey to Mayfield many times, but only once with a passenger. Two friends, now, in the crazy house, his two tethers to sanity, too far away to reach when needed immediately. What was going to happen to him now, now that he had really lost everything? Although two of the three things he might just be able to get back, but like the night he had lost Amber, nearly everything was out of his control, all he could do was manipulate other people who had the necessary information somewhere. This surely was the man's darkest hour, when all hope was lost for the moment, only the slightest chance of it being found again.

"You're wondering what he's doing right now, aren't you? What stupid therapy he's trying to endure, what condition his mind is in. From what Wilson said a few weeks ago, there hasn't been much improvement."

"I don't care about what you have to say." Cuddy growled, growing more tired still of the room she was in.

"I know. So I'm just going to keep saying it."


	6. Chapter 6

"Dr. Cuddy," a voice called from the doorway, but she didn't want to hear it. She was fine, right there, with her pillow covering her head and her sheets covering her body. No, there was a good place to be, because everyone respected her need to be alone, but there was nothing else to do there, there were no forms to sign, no meetings to go to, no misanthropic doctors to yell at. But she was still content to lay there and let everything that was still running through her mind settle.

"Dr. Cuddy, I'm going to some in now. You can stay curled up in a ball on the bed, I really don't care. You're probably not going to want to talk to me anyway, but the boss insists that I try." Cuddy groaned. She really did not want to talk to a shrink at the moment; three days had not been enough time to collect her thoughts enough for therapy.

"Now, I'm pretty damn sure that you don't want to talk right now, so I'll just start off talking about myself; feel free to tune my voice out when I drone on too much." Cuddy looked up at the woman, convinced that she was a hallucination, because surely no professional would talk to her patients like that. Well, she could think of one, but it was best not to think about him.

"Don't worry, I actually exist. I'm not a hallucination; I'm just a bit of an ass. I like to work with patients who don't put up with bullshit, so I'm afraid my bedside manner isn't exactly on par."

"So you're my new-"

"Shrink, yes. You're the second case I'm handling at the moment, and I expect to have my hands full with both of you, though I'm hoping you won't be nearly as much trouble. He's been giving me nothing for over two months now."

"So, you working with another delusional freak?" Cuddy asked her bitterly, not really ready to talk about herself at the moment, preferring to dwell on other people. "Or do you switch it up and get an Alzheimer's patient." Cuddy was using a tried and true method, well, at least a method that was tried and true by House. Arrogant sarcasm wasn't usually her thing, but she used it well.

"As a matter of fact, he is." the woman said with an amused twinkle. "I think you might like him, actually; he's a Vicodin addict, he's inappropriate, he never shares what he's thinking with anyone but himself, and he's an ass."

Cuddy stared up at her.

"Sound familiar?"

"You're working with House." Cuddy stated, laughing in anger. "Is that why you took the case, because you know about me already? Has he been sharing stories about my psychotic tendencies?" Oh yes, this was exactly what she needed, a window into House's world, a world that she had become wrapped up in and has caused her to lose her mind.

"Well, I took your case because I knew that none of the other idiots in my department would be able to help. And yes, I suppose that it's useful that I already have a background on you. But no, I didn't take your case just because you're the one that House can't seem to get his mind off of."

"Oh, I'm sure that he spends his days plotting ways of screwing my life up even more."

"You don't know what's been going on in his mind for the past few months, you might be surprised."

"Trust me; I've been through enough of House not making any sense to not be surprised at anything he does."

"You don't want to believe that he can be better, do you? It's just easier to tell yourself that there's nothing that you can do."

"Are you suggesting that I have some sort of feelings for him? You just met me five minutes ago!"

"Dr. Cuddy, I don't care about what you want other people to believe. I'm going to be seeing you every Sunday from now on. And don't worry; we'll have more to talk about that House."

"Great…" Cuddy mumbled.

"Dr. Helen Burrows." the woman said, offering her hand which Cuddy reluctantly shook. "Welcome to Mayfield."


End file.
